I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
