I think I won the penis lottery.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
