I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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