in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
