apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
