I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
