Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
