why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
