Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
