my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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