I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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