I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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