my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
