it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
