In the future we'll all be gay
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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