I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize