My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
