Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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