My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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