The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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