I will die if light touches me.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
