Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
