You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
