Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
