If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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