I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize