I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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