I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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