I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize