put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
