"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
