were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
