apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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