How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
