his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
