Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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