I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
