I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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