I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
True strength comes from lack of pants
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
