just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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