Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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