I'm gonna have a badass scar
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
