Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
