I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
