Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
