My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
