How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
