When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
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