My underwear smells like fireworks.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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