How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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