you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
