homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
