I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize