You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I AM VODKA MAN
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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