the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
