I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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