i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
