you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
