I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize