He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
