I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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